Muslim Marriage in Europe: Tradition and Modernity

Pernilla Ouis is a researcher and lecturer in the Faculty of Health and Society, Malmö University, Sweden.

 

 

Sexual frustration, honour killings, and forced marriages seem to be problems associated with Muslim marriage issues in the West, judging by media reports. In 2004, I initiated a research project as a guest researcher at the Centre of Islamic Studies in the University of London’s School of Oriental and African Studies. The project’s initial focus was issues related to marriage such as honour violence and forced marriages among young Muslims in Europe, mainly in Scandinavia and Britain. However, one of my first observations after interviewing young Muslims was that the major problem they face today is actually that of finding a suitable partner and getting married at all. Consequently, the research project changed its focus to that issue and acquired the working title, “Marriage strategies among young Muslims”.

 

The reproduction of Islam in Europe is dependent on building a new European Muslim generation. When those young Muslims who wish to create a family face severe difficulties, this reproduction is threatened. In this article I focus on that problem and discuss the classification of marriages, key factors in the choice of partner, and some new strategies for meeting a partner. I conclude by discussing certain issues related to marriage in fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) that need some rethinking, particularly when Muslims are in a minority situation, as they are in Europe. Thus, this paper builds on my original research project to enquire into marriage issues in Islam.

 

The method applied in my research project was interviews, chiefly with young Muslims aged between sixteen and thirty years, both married and unmarried, educated, with a religious profile, for whom “Muslim” was their primary identity, rather than ethnicity or nationality. I carried out semi-structured interviews in which we discussed factors in choosing a marriage partner, such as ethnic/family background, formal education, social class, wealth, and religious commitment. I also discussed with the interviewees what they regarded as the “ideal Muslim partner”, and noted differences from traditional views. Further, I asked interviewees how they would find a suitable partner for marriage. Are any new marriage strategies emerging for young Muslims in Europe? I was interested in their opinions and experiences, but one methodological problem was that some informants felt they should give “Islamically correct” answers and not their personal view. I also observed participants in Muslim speed-dating events and interviewed people involved in the new Muslim dating industry. 

Marriage: Who Decides? 

Why is it so difficult for Europe’s Muslims to get married these days? I would say that most young Muslims brought up in Europe no longer accept the traditional “Eastern” mode of arranged marriages. Is the problem, then, just an outcome of increasing individualism and the adoption of Western lifestyles by Muslims? This is not quite true, because traditional arranged marriages have not been replaced by the “Western way” of finding a partner, i.e., easy mixing between the sexes, dating, dancing and drinking; most young Muslims disapprove of that strategy also. Consequently, many young marriage-minded Muslims today feel it is almost impossible to find a suitable partner as they are caught in-between two kinds of marriage strategies.

 

The little research on marriages among Muslim groups utilises the typology of forced, arranged and love marriages. It is true that not all arranged marriages are forced marriages, and it is therefore proper that these two categories should be separated. However, it must be borne in mind that the opposite also is true, i.e., that all forced marriages are arranged marriages. Marriages among Muslims seem to a great extent to be based on negotiations between, on the one hand, parents and the wider family, and on the other the children, rather than between the two individuals getting married. Given these negotiations, marriages might be classified as a polarity between the individual’s will at one end and the collective’s will at the other. The collective might be the nuclear family, but is more often the caste, tribe, clan or whatever group is typical of the specific kinship society in question. This duality can be related to the question of whose will and interests determine the choice of marriage partner:

 

1. If there is a complete clash between the collective will and the individual’s, there is either no marriage at all or a forced marriage. It should be noted that a rise in forced marriages is an outcome of increased individualism. Only unwilling partners can enter into a forced marriage; if they are willing, then the marriage is not forced. So an increase in the number of forced marriages indicates a corresponding rise in the number of people prepared to defy the collective will, and thus a growth in individualism. The empowerment of individuals to say “no” and to express their will is a sign of increased modernisation and individualism and is something observable today among young Muslims in Europe. That forced marriages are an indication of modernisation might sound paradoxical, but compliance with the collective will is a characteristic of pre-modern societies, and such marriages reflect a rejection of such compliance.

 

2. In between the wills of the individual and the collective is a “grey zone” where arranged marriages can be sited. These marriages are often based on negotiations, but can occur more or less with the consent of the individual. The problem that arises here is: Can the will of the individual be totally independent of the collective? Marriage candidates may lose their families if they defy them, being totally ostracised. Many informants I have interviewed said that what they believed to be their own will at the time seemed in retrospect to be purely the will of their family.

 

3. If the marriage is based wholly on individual choice, we may call it a “love marriage”, but this is a somewhat silly category. People marry for all sorts of reasons, such as economic benefit, security, status and convenience, but in Western society only love is accepted as a legitimate motive for marriage. Some marriages more than others are based on the will of the individual, but every person is a part of society and is thus influenced by collective norms.

 

I therefore suggest that marriage can be categorised according to who determines it, the collective or the individual. It must also be remembered that marriage is a union between two people, and that it can be a forced marriage for one part of the union, while expressing the free will of the individual for the other part. 

Criteria for Marriage 

An alternative model to the categorisation of marriage based on the will of the collective or the individual can be traced from the following hadith (tradition about the sayings and doings of Mohammad) in which the Prophet discusses factors in choosing a marriage partner:

 

A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth [mal], her family status [hasab], her beauty [jamal] and her religion [din]. So you should marry the religious woman.¹

 

These are all factors that still matter today. 

Hasab

In my interviews, I discussed the category ethnicity/family background (hasab). Most of the interviewees responded that ethnicity was more important to their family than to themselves. However, “ethnicity” is too broad a category; the preferred partner should not only be of the right ethnicity, he or she must be from the same caste/clan/tribe/family and often even geographical area. This clearly narrows the choice of possible partner to only a very few people.

 

Marrying someone from the “wrong” ethnic and social background was understood as degrading for the family and as affecting the honour of the whole group. Further, although most interviewees said that in theory they would accept a partner of any ethnicity or race, one tentative finding of the research project is that, sadly enough, some kind of racism based on skin colour still plays a role in choice of spouse. Inter-racial marriages do occur among Europe’s Muslims, but less frequently in Britain than, for instance, in Sweden. However, Islam provides a legitimisation for marriages outside the group and for breaking with previous endogamous tradition.

 

Some interviewees, though, expressed sympathy for traditional marriage between relatives. Often, men marry their female paternal cousins. Women said this was the safest option as it meant they would have their family’s support in case of marriage problems. In this type of marriage they felt surrounded by the wider family and enjoyed the security of their parents’ approval. They felt they had the same background and values as their spouse. Furthermore, some interviewees—both male and female—said that because they had lived in a strictly gender-separated milieu, cousins were the only representatives of the other sex they actually knew and had any social relations with. Some interviewees said they were unhappy with this kind of marriage, as they felt they had no choice or say whatsoever in the matter, which often seemed like a business agreement between two families. 

Mal

As regards the general category “social background”, I chiefly mean class belonging, and this can be translated from the hadith as the factor “wealth”, mal. Class appears to be less important than other traditional criteria in determining social status. Education matters for many families, particularly that the male partner should have the advanced education of a doctor, engineer or accountant. Education for females seems to be less important, and sometimes an advanced education is even seen as an obstacle to marriage in that women with such education are likely to be older and are believed to be more independent-minded and “problematic”. However, many males did say they would prefer an educated wife to a traditional, uneducated one.

 

Education is a means of gaining social status, particularly for men in the marriage market. A good education means the possibility of good jobs, economic security, and that a husband will be a wealth-provider. One interviewee said she understood that this was much more important for those, such as her parents, with poor dependants in their non-European country of origin, than it was for herself personally. The economic context explains the importance of education and wealth in traditional societies, but also why this is less important for the young living in Europe.

 

Most of my informants said that the only social background of importance was that a future partner should have grown up in Europe, and thus share their outlook and values. However, they often felt that their families wanted them to marry someone from their “home country” in order to maintain traditional values instead. Besides a desire to preserve their original culture and language, the parents’ prime motive was economic (to bring a relative to Europe through marriage). Many interviewees expressed scepticism and caution about such marriages, seeing them only as a means for someone to gain a passport to Europe. They could not believe they would have anything in common with someone from their parents’ country of origin. They saw no likelihood of compatibility with such a marriage partner.

 

The power relations involved in a marriage must also be considered. Pre-nuptial negotiations can sometimes seem like a business arrangement. Women bargain with such “assets” as youth, beauty, virginity, “being family-oriented” and possession of a residence permit in the West. Men also trade with this last commodity, as well as with their wealth, education and “cultivation”. In Europe, many young Muslim illegal immigrant men try to secure a residence permit through marriage. Many Muslim women in the West put up with unbearable conditions in their marriage, because a divorce would force them to return to their home country. 

Jamal

I also asked about the factor “love”, or jamal—beauty and attraction in the hadith. Many Westerners believe Muslims are sexually frustrated because of the prohibitions their religion places on sexual conduct. The group I interviewed did not acknowledge sexual frustration openly owing to the interview situation and religious scruples. However, while preferring not to discuss the matter personally, they did say it might be a problem for many other young Muslims.

 

When I asked about the importance of love for a marriage, they often gave ambivalent answers. Although most said they would never marry without being attracted to and feeling love for the potential spouse, they also said they did not particularly want to put themselves in a situation where they would fall in love with someone. This felt was to transgress “Islamic boundaries”, and be something that could cause a lot of difficulties and distress. Many interviewees gave examples of how love could actually lead to unhappiness and problems; they evinced a realistic and sober attitude to love. Thus, female interviewees felt that if the love affair did not end in marriage, then the woman had been duped.

 

Interviewees often opposed the use of phone calls, text messages and e-mails to conduct love relations, deeming such forms of amatory communication as Islamically improper. Secret marriage was discussed sometimes, but rejected as problematic if the parents were not involved. Interviewees preferred to meet someone in a setting that was halal, Islamically permitted or lawful, and to be able to judge the person before falling in love with him or her—or, as it was sometimes put, before being “blinded by love”. This ideal surely differs from the Western ideal. However, it is important to stress that love was recognised as an important factor in marriage. To legitimise the love factor Islamically, one may recall the hadith which tells of how the Prophet granted a divorce to the wife of Thabit ibn Qais, not because of any defects in her husband’s character or religious dedication, but purely because she felt she could no longer endure to live with him. 

Din

The prime criterion of eligibility in a marriage partner, expressed by all interviewed, is Islam (i.e., din in the hadith quoted above) and personal religious commitment. For my interviewees, this was all that mattered, more than background, education, and wealth, just as the hadith says. The ideal partner was perceived to be just, patient, God-fearing and co-operative. But the chief desideratum in a good spouse was his or her religiousness.

 

Regarding Islamic gender roles, the ideal Muslim husband seems broadly compatible with Western values, being depicted as much more understanding, democratic and sympathetic to his wife than a traditional, patriarchal man would be. The ideal Muslim wife was portrayed as much more independent and educated (a quality desirable for child-rearing purposes, not necessarily for career reasons) than the traditional ideal. These new Islamic gender roles definitely merit further research.

 

I asked whether religious faith can resolve all differences and problems between marriage partners. The married interviewees sometimes answered that Islam could settle matrimonial problems, but when I asked for examples they could not give any. It seemed to them obvious that a good Muslim equals a good person, end of discussion. I also broached notions of female obedience and male power, but most interviewees, unlike many Western observers, saw Islam as raising no such problems.

 

It should also be noted that Islam can function as a sort of alternative “career” for many marginalised Muslims. Adopting a more Islamic identity and joining the Islamic movement is a way of gaining prestige and social status if, for instance, one does not have a particularly good family background, much wealth, or education. When I asked some young Muslim women if they could marry any man, provided he was a Muslim, some answered that their families would still oppose this. One said: “They wouldn’t accept a black Muslim man for their daughter, but I would for mine.” Such statements indicate that change might come with the current generation and that in the future inter-racial marriages might occur more frequently among Europe’s Muslims.

 

Most interviewees said that besides religion, important marriage factors included family and ethnic background, education and love, but that none alone sufficed as a motive for marrying. In my analysis, Islamic marriage encompasses values from both the traditional Eastern and the modern Western domains. Thus, the Islamic marriage, as a negotiated arranged marriage, in a sense bridges the gap between tradition and modernity, and Islamisation reconciles the two. Both the traditional and the Western modes of marrying are rejected. Instead, a specific Islamic structure is emerging that provides a separate path between these two modes by rejecting and accepting certain values from both of them. For instance, Islamic law demands the consent of both partners for a valid marriage, but this legal principle has been overruled in many traditional Muslim societies. Islamisation equips young Muslims to invoke this principle and acquire a tool to break with some traditions that may be labelled “un-Islamic”. I view this Islamisation in Europe as a culturally accepted modernisation, not a completely linear Westernisation. Table 1 illustrates Islamic marriage as encompassing both traditional and modern values.

 

 

TABLE 1

Values Included in an Ideal Islamic Marriage

 

Traditional Values	Modern Values
Consent of parents and family Religious morality of no premarital sex “Halal setting” when meeting	Individual choice, no forced marriage Gender and race equality Education for both spouses Love

 

 

This is theoretically a model of marrying that works for young European Muslims today, a model that enables a successful negotiation between the individual and the collective. Islam provides the legitimisation for individual choice in such negotiations. However, since most Islamic environments are gender-segregated, and even though most European Muslims are willing to marry outside their small family/tribal/ethnic group, in practice Muslims in Europe face huge difficulties in finding a spouse. 

Finding a Spouse 

When I have explained the title of my project, I have been met with laughter and the comment, “We Muslims have no strategy for marrying at all, that’s the problem.” The pool from which to select a partner has theoretically become larger, but there remains the practical problem of how to meet people from this pool.

 

Marriage is very important for Muslims, and they are generally very family oriented. This ideal can be traced in the hadith, “Marriage is half of religion.” As mentioned earlier, the traditional structure for finding a partner is falling apart as it is no longer accepted by younger Muslims. However, this structure has not been replaced by something else, and now many young educated European Muslims find themselves in a situation where they cannot get married at all. One young man said: “We are the lost generation. We did everything right, took the best from the East and the West. We have a very global outlook, but now we can’t find a marriage partner that suits us.”

 

Loneliness and difficulties in finding a spouse may be considered a modern, Western problem originating in individualism. Religious Muslims’ reluctance to adopt the marriage strategies of Western society intensifies the problem. More Muslims want to pursue an individual choice, independent of family, but gender segregation is still practised in Islamic environments, so what are they to do? Another practical problem is highlighted by professional workers, who say it is extremely difficult for them to find time to seek out a partner. Many interviewees felt that it was only when they were at university that they had a realistic opportunity to find a spouse. Gender-mixed European universities have become important venues for Muslims to meet a partner.

 

Most interviewees said the best and most secure way to find someone to marry was to consult friends in a sort of personal networking, a method considered acceptable for women as well. In this networking, other married couples played a key role, as they could transmit information across gender barriers, so to speak. This kind of networking also worked in Islamic organisations. Further, some people had met potential spouses, and fallen in love, in such Islamic forums, but they admitted that the gender segregation in Islamic contexts was an obstacle to finding a partner.

 

However, many have turned to various kinds of marriage bureaus, on the Internet or elsewhere, for creative and innovative ways to meet potential partners. Some felt using such bureaus was degrading, and an expression of “desperation”, but others defended it as an alternative that was halal. To place an advertisement—in a newspaper, an Islamic magazine, or on an Islamic matrimonial website—was seen as embarrassing and as risking the revelation of one’s true identity, but is increasingly resorted to by European Muslims. I have met Muslims who have fallen in love through e-mail contact, but also people for whom e-mail dating has proved very negative and disappointing.

 

How have globalisation and the challenge of pluralism affected Muslim marriage in Europe? Today, the Muslim marriage market potentially includes the whole world because of globalisation, migration and new information technologies. In my research, I have studied how modern communication technologies have facilitated premarital love relations. In a strictly gender-separated culture, more and more Muslims are falling in love through the use of mobile phones, but especially through sending e-mails.

 

Cyberlove and even cybersex are widely practised in the global umma. For example, in cyberspace a woman can receive romantic letters (whose senders admittedly might have copied and recycled them from previous affairs), love poems, electronic gifts and flowers. Such wooing might create a much more appealing impression than a face-to-face meeting with a man who says the wrong things and is physically unattractive. Further, some interviewees argued that it is more “Islamic” to meet on the Internet, as this is not a real meeting and is thus halal. However, they tended to ignore the fact that electronic relationships can be just as passionate as “real” relationships, and perhaps even more so for the reasons just cited.

 

Electronic meetings between marriage-minded Muslims are facilitated by specially designed websites for the purpose of Muslim matchmaking. In Cyberspace, everyone is free from social relations in a state of total disembodiedness, and it is only the individual, not his or her surrounding social environment, that can introduce the person. People have a tendency to economise with the truth; men, for instance, may “forget” to say that they are looking for a second wife, or even that they have been married several times before. Euphemisms are used; thus, “unemployed” becomes “between jobs”.

 

On the Internet, people tend to become younger, taller, slimmer, whiter, more family-oriented and generally more successful than they are in reality. Some of these Muslims are constantly online, but perhaps living “off-life”. Muslim matrimonial sites allow users to specify which kind of “Islamic” spouse is wanted by ticking desired characteristics such as “sunni” or “shi’ite”, “non-smoking”, “religiously observant”, etc. Requests in Internet adverts can be very general, such as “Muslim woman wanted for marriage according to the Qur’an and sunna [the actions and sayings of the Prophet Mohammad]”, or very specific, such as that in an ad placed by a British Pakistani girl: “No restaurant-owners please”.

 

Marriage websites are a valuable source for anyone interested in the contemporary European-Muslim ideal of a spouse. A perfect wife for Muslim men seems to be a “Barbie in a burqa”. The aesthetic ideal is that of a blonde, tall, slim, Western woman, whose behaviour accords with the strictest interpretation of Islamic tradition. This should be compared with the self-image of most Muslim women: that of someone dressed in modern clothes, perhaps wearing a hijab, who is appreciated more for her personality than her beauty, and who works side by side with men for a better society. The men’s ideal amounts to a double oppression of women, combining a Western sex object with a submissive partner who is subjected wholly to the restrictions of tradition. Women, on the other hand, often say that they want a “cultivated” and “civilised” man—the opposite, perhaps, of a “traditional” man? Their ideal is a considerate, kind and loving man.

 

In marriage ads, both men and women often say they are looking for a spouse who “combines the best of East and West”. What exactly does this expression mean, and does it mean the same thing for men and women? It might conceivably imply very different meanings for the two sexes. For men, it might mean that they want their wives to cook traditional meals for them and stay at home, while they go to the pub or disco from time to time. The truth behind the expression in this case actually combines the “worst” of East and West—or rather the best for men and the worst for women. For women, the expression might mean that they want their husband to support them, while they live a consumerist lifestyle. Some women do not understand the marginalisation many Muslim men experience in the West, nor their consequent unemployment and difficult economic circumstances.

 

Another new alternative for European Muslims is speed-dating, in which men and women meet one another in a series of short “dates” usually lasting only a few minutes each. The organisers say they try to create an Islamic ambiance and setting for such face-to-face encounters. Some of these events are preceded by an interview. An interviewee who attended one such event said it was embarrassing, and that she would have preferred it if the matchmaking purpose were not that obvious. “The ar-Rum Social Club” that existed some years ago in London was a venue that hosted Islamic gender-mixed meetings, but it acquired a bad reputation among some strict Muslims for its alleged matchmaking activities.

 

Some interviewees said they might, as a last resort, marry someone from their parents’ home country. If such marriages continue, the flow of first-generation immigrants will be perpetuated, together with the problems associated with such immigration. Therefore, it is important that young European Muslims be facilitated in meeting and marrying without having to take on the difficulties of first-generation migration. 

Rethinking Fiqh 

I suggest that certain points in fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) need to be renegotiated to help Muslims in their minority situation in Europe get married. My first question is, What is marriage really about? What are the rights and duties involved in this contract? The early Islamic jurists explained marriage in economic/mercantile terms, saying rather explicitly that the woman “sells” her sexuality to her husband in return for his financial support. Because of this legal status of the marriage contract, the man was entitled to control his wife’s movements and so on, as she should be available for sex whenever he wanted it.

 

Sexual refusal by the woman was described as nushuz, a term that later came to include all female opposition to men. Such a conception of marriage may make many people feel uncomfortable. The first challenge for fiqh today, then, is to state exactly what kind of social contract a marriage actually is. Is it about sex, love, children, companionship, or what? The premisses of the marriage contract might need to be reconsidered altogether, including the meaning of the term nushuz. It might then be possible, for instance, for a husband to be accused of rape within marriage, something that is almost impossible under present Islamic rulings, where it is said that a woman cannot deny her husband sex.

 

Second, Islamic jurists today must emphasise that marriage is an individual choice and that both parties must give their consent in order for a marriage to be valid. Marriage is not a contract between families! Forced marriages should be condemned as both un-Islamic and illegal. The same goes for violence in the name of honour. There is no excuse whatsoever for such practices. It is outrageous that forced marriages and violence in the name of honour still occur among Muslims today, but almost worse, in my opinion, is the silence of Muslim scholars about these enormities. A related issue is that of child marriages. In general, one must be at least eighteen years old to be allowed to marry in Europe and I believe this age-limit needs to be adopted as an Islamic rule as well.

 

My third recommendation in the rethinking of fiqh is to question the practice of strict gender segregation. How Islamic is it really, and on what texts is this idea based? I think mixed-gender meetings should be accepted. Muslim scholars ought to give their blessing to various dating events and meetings in public spaces for Muslims who are interested in seeing each other.

 

Furthermore, what is so terribly wrong and un-Islamic about falling in love before marrying? Even the Prophet himself was attracted to women before marrying them, and he allowed an emotional attachment to develop before marriage. The only moral limitation is that Islam does not accept sexual relations before marriage. But it ought to be an “Islamic right” to be able to fall in love before marriage.

 

The fourth point that needs to be rethought is the ruling that Muslim women are not allowed to marry non-Muslims. However, in the West, a growing number of Muslim women are marrying non-Muslims. The Qur’anic foundation for the prohibition on such marriages is very weak and open to reinterpretation. Sura 60:10 is actually about not forcing women believers to return to their unbelieving husbands following the hijra, the migration of the Prophet Mohammad from Mecca to Medina in 622 ce, one of the landmark events in the eventual establishment of Islam; but the choice was still the woman’s. Religion at that time crucially involved political affiliation, whereas today it is largely a matter of personal choice. The claim that women are the weaker sex is very unpersuasive; most women are strong enough to retain their Islamic identity in European society even when married to a non-Muslim.

 

Lastly, it must be accepted that not every marriage is about having children and the social project of living together as a family. In fact, marriage can sometimes be solely a matter of legalising a sexual relationship between a man and a woman. Sexuality is a beautiful part of the divine creation, and Muslims are supposed to express their sexuality within the institution of marriage. In Shi’ite Islam, temporary marriage, mutah, is permitted, and although I am aware of the arguments against it presented by Sunni Muslims, I think it can be a useful concept for rethinking marriage in Islam.

 

Marriage is a contract between two parties, an agreement regarding what is to be expected from one another in a spirit of trust and commitment. What I am suggesting is that Muslims ought to have a more flexible view of marriage: marriage need not entail living together, having children, or even remaining together for life. It can concern sex alone, and might be limited to a short time period only. The Prophet frequently married, and his companions married and divorced, and there was no stigmatisation of divorcees such as we see today. A more relaxed way of understanding the institution of marriage, as in the earliest days of Islam, would be desirable. Muslims must be allowed to fail in their marriages, and be given a chance to try again in a more dynamic marriage pattern. For instance, perhaps Muslims need to be open to the idea of letting younger Muslims marry without having children and a common household. 

Spreading the Faith 

A slogan of the 1960s was “make love, not war”. Muslims historically did just that in their quest to spread Islam to new societies. Unlike other diaspora groups, such as the Jews and the Gypsies, Muslims have been inclusive in their marriage patterns. Marriage has been a much greater form of jihad to spread Islam than warfare ever was. Muslims in Europe are part of this jihad, or spiritual struggle, to reproduce an Islamic community in a new context. Young Muslims in Europe are part of an important historical process of establishing Islam here and now and should consider their marriages as perhaps the most important field for jihad. The integration of Muslims as European citizens depends on the emergence and flourishing of a new inter-racial Muslim generation that combines the best of East and West.

 

 

Endnotes

 

 

1. Sahih Bukhari (trans. M. Muhsin Khan), vol. 7, book 62 (on wedlock, marriage), no. 27 [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/062.sbt.html].